Guardian Angel
by Lyla93
Summary: He doesn't think of himself as nosy, but the fact is, Albus Dumbledore has rigged Hogwarts with hidden cameras. He has spies among the students. Booby traps have been laid. The teachers have codenames. No one is safe from his boredom. Muahaha!Hr/Dr H/G
1. Chapter 1

Guardian Angel

by Lyla93

**Chapter One/Prologue**

**He doesn't think of himself as nosy, but the fact is, Albus Dumbledore has rigged Hogwarts with hidden cameras. He has spies among the students. Booby traps have been laid. The teachers have codenames. No one is safe from his boredom! Muahaha!**

Dumbledore tapped his long, slender fingers together. The school year had flown by, and already it was that time again to choose the new Head Boy and Girl. Actually, the only real disicion he had to make was who would be Head Boy. Hermione Granger was the obvious pick for Head Girl.

So, which of those rascally seventh year boys should hold the estimable position?

The male student with the highest grades was Anthony Goldstein, a worthy choice.

If you went by good rule-following and class behavior, Ernie MacMillian would be the winner.

Harry Potter would be an excellent pick, on account of his pure heart and courageous deeds.

The Headmaster sighed with frustration. All of these candidates were very fine, indeed, but boring. If there wasn't any drama going on between the Head boy and girl, Dumbledore wouldn't know what to do for fun. After all, one of his favorite pastimes was meddling in student affairs.

So, he used one hand to cover his eyes, and with the other, he randomly pointed to a spot on his list of seventh year boys.

He opened his eyes, and peered curiously at the name his finger had landed on.

Albus Dumbledore's smiled. _Perfect,_ he thought. _What an interesting school year this will be!_

**short, yes, but don't worry it's only the intro.**

**I'll be motivated more if you review.**

**Lyla93**


	2. Chapter 2

Guardian Angel

by Lyla93

**Chapter Two**

**woah! i wrote barely anything and people actually reviewed! amazing! thanks guys!**

"Can you possibly eat any more disgustingly?" Hermione asked as her red-headed friend effectively gorged himself, losing her own appetite in the process.

"Wuht?" Ron glanced up, briefly, from his plate.

She sighed. "Oh never mind!"

* * *

"_Agent Whiskers, do you read me_?"

Minerva Mcgonagal sighed, before lifting up the walkie talkie to her mouth. "Loud and clear, Albus."

"_SHHH! Be careful! Call me by my codename!"_

"Loud and clear, King Bee."

"_Better. So, we have a code purple going on right now, and i'll need your help to catch the culprit_."

"Umm," The Transfiguration teacher quickly looked up "Code Purple" in her spy manual.

CODE PURPLE: The extreme emergency of when an agent fails to answer his/her spy communication device.

"What? Alb- King Bee, you mean one of the teachers has gone missing?"

"_Not exactly, I can see him from where i'm sitting. He just won't answer his walkie-talkie!"_

"Well, what do you want me to do?"

"_Poke Severus, oops, I mean Agent P.M.S, and tell him to pass me the ketchup."_

"P.M.S?!"

_"Potions Master Snape, of course! Tsk tsk Whiskers, study your abbreviations in the spy manual. "_

_"_Silly me," Mcgonagal said under her breath, before tapping Severus on the shoulder.

* * *

"It's time!!" Squealed and over-excited Hermione.

"Time for what?" Harry asked blankly, watching the Headmaster rise from his seat at the table.

"Time for Dumbledore to announce the Head Boy and Girl! Oh, I do hope he picks me!"

Ron snorted. "Are you kidding? Who wouldn't pick you? You know more than everyone in our class.... COMBINED!"

Hermione blushed. "Awwww, thank you!"

The Headmaster rose from his seat and made his way up to the podium.

"Well! Now that you're all uncomfortably full, we can start on the important announcements. Actually, during the summer, I heard this delightful riddle about-"

Mcgonagal coughed.

"Ah, yes, on with business! Firstly, all students must remember that the Forbidden Forest is, well, FORBIDDEN! Why else would we call it that? Also, Mr. Filch has asked me to remind you that Weasley Wizard Wheezes products are banned, as well as a number of other items."

More general announcements that had been repeated throughout the years were brought up, until Dumbledore finally got to the matter of new teachers.

"I'd like you to give a warm welcome to Profesor Deimos, who will take up the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts!"

A thin, fragile looking young women stood up, waved quickly, and sat back down.

"And lastly, I would like to announce our new Head Boy and Girl!"

Hermione sat up straight, eyes locked on the Headmaster.

"Head Girl will be Miss Hermione Granger, from Gryffindor!"

Almost everyone in the hall burst into cheers, happy for the nerdy witch, but unsurprised.

"Aaaaand, Head Boy will be.... Mr. Draco Malfoy, fr-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ron and Harry and Ernie screamed simultaneously.

"-om Slytherin!"

Both students called rose from their seats to collect their new badges from Dumbledore.

"Congratulations both of you, and remember to speak with your Head of House tonight for further details of your new responsibilities!"

Hermione smiled, so over-joyed that her eyes watered.

Draco smirked, and stuck his tongue out at Ernie Macmillian, who was in tears.

"That's that for now! Enjoy your new rooms!"

"Thank you sooo much Headmast-" Hemione began.

Draco rudely interrupted her. "WHAT! New rooms!?"

Dumbledores eyes twinkled. "Yes, you two will be the first to try out the special Heads suites. They were just finished this summer. The House Elves had such fun furnishing them, and I added a few *extra* bits myself.."

"Where are they at?" Hermione asked, curious.

"They are accessible from your own House's common room. You each have separate rooms, but, I'm afraid you'll have to share a bathroom."

"EW!" Said Draco, in a rather high-pitched voice.

"Do we really have to share a bath- WAIT. Professor, Gryffindor is in a tower and Slytherin is in the dungeons-"

"I KNEW YOU WERE STALKING ME!!!!!"

"Shut up, Malfoy. And, Professor, I'm assuming the bathroom is connected with the bedroom, right?"

"That would be correct."

"..no wonder they call you the smartest in our year.."

"Shut up, Malfoy. What I'm trying to point out is, it's not physically possible for us to SHARE a bathroom. Our rooms must be miles apart!"

"Hmmm, as much as I hate to admit it, the mudblood may have a point here."

They both looked expectantly at Dumbledore.

The Headmaster smiled strangely, eyes bugging out a little. "Don't. Question. It."

* * *

Dumbledore wasn't kidding when he said the house elfs had "such fun" decorating the rooms.

It was the most ridiculous clash of colors Hermione had ever seen. Every color of the rainbow was equally demonstrated. There was a neon pink sofa, with orange pillows strangley shaped in triangles. A disco ball hung over the bed, and the bed itself had sheets decorated with red race cars and a fluffy purple polka-dotted comforter on top. The pillows on the bed were also triangular. It seemed as if the general theme of the room was triangles. In fact, the room itself was shaped as a giant triangle. She even had a T.V. in one of the corners. It was triangular.

Hermiones eyes darted around, and she slowly realized that almost every item in the room was shaped as....

* * *

"BLOODY FUCKING TRIANGLES!"

The notorious Draco Malfoy was wreaking havoc on the furnishings of his new room.

"DIE! DIE!" Brandishing his wand, the Slytherin incinerated every one of his pillows, imagining that they were Potter, Granger, and that red headed kid whose name he didn't bother with.

Afterwards, he felt much better.

"Fhew! Just had to get that outa my system, I guess." He mumbled to himself. Draco than changed into his green pajama pants and made his way over to the large bed.

Then he realized he had killed all the evil triangular pillows.

Now, remember, beauty sleep is very important to Draco. You do not EVER want to meet a cranky Draco Malfoy. Just look at what happened to those poor pillows. Tragic.

So, he sucked it up and went over to the bathroom door.

* * *

_Knock, knock._

"Who's there?"

"Me."

"Me who?"

"THIS ISN'T A FUCKING KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE, LET ME IN!"

Hermione opened the door to the bathroom, finding Malfoy on the other side.

His face immediately changed from annoyed to completely shocked.

"Yeah? What is it?" She asked.

"You're. Wearing. Footie pajamas?"

Hermione blushed. "They're very comfortable!" She said defensably.

He burst out laughing.

She tapped her foot. "You know, as much as I LOVE it when you make fun of me, I would really like to go to sleep, sooo-"

"Can I borrow a pillow?" Malfoy blurted out, right before she shut the door in his face.

Hermione blinked several times. "Uh, sure."

She grabbed a fuzzy yellow one from a triangularly shaped bean bag and handed it to him.

"Thanks."

This was all to much. Malfoy saying thank-you? Hermione fainted.

**hahahaha well that's the end of that.**

**next chapter will most likely be about different characters.**

**read and review ppl!**

**i'll update in a few days. LATER.**

**Lyla93**


	3. Chapter 3

Guardian Angel

by Lyla93

**Chapter Three**

**Haha sooooooooo next chapter fun! **

**THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH TO THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE READ AND REVIEWED THIS! it makes me feel alllll warm and fuzzy inside! :)**

**I love you all like Draco loves triangles! lol jk. **

**OH btw if you guys are REALLY bored, go youtube "hamster eating popcorn on a piano". I laughed for EVER. **

**OH btw people, this isn't gonna be one of those stories that goes like this:**

**"Draco Malfoy, sex god of slytherin, was entering the Great Hall when he was struck with cupid's arrow. Hermione Granger had gotten drop dead HOT somehow over the summer. Every single male (including Snape) started visibly drooling. **

**Hermione Granger, sexyest girl in Gryffindor, glanced over at the Slytherin table and suddenly realized how amazingly HOT Draco Malfoy was. She noticed how his robes streched tight around his sexy Quidditch muscles, and how angelic his pale face was.**

**Then they both made out, fell in love, and had two babies that they named Penelope and John. THE END."**

**NOT. **

"Hermoniny, are you okay?" Said a voice she didn't reconize, obviously a forieghner.

Hermione woke up on the floor of her room, Harry and Ron's worried faces looking down at her.

"Who said that?" She mumbled, still a bit dazed. Ron scowled and as he wordlessly gestured to his left, a tall man dark-haired man appeared.

"OH! Why are you here??"

Viktor Krum smiled sheepishly. "Vell, I vas given permision from your Headmaster to come stay at Hogvarts for a vhile. i vish to maybe become a teacher vhen I am done playing Quidditch professionaly."

"That's great Viktor! Teaching is a wonderful thing to do!"

Ron Weasley had a sudden desire to become a Profesor.

"Okaaay, so, Hermione, we just wanted to come tell you about Krum... So 'night!" Harry said awkwardly, pulling Ron (who was glaring at Krum) away.

* * *

**THE NEXT MORNING**

"_Agent Dracula, come in! Do you read me?"_

"Vat do you mean? On this device there is nothing to read!"

_"Nevermind. Listen, I have a job for you."_

"And vhy is it you are calling me this "Dracula"?"

_"Well, isn't Dracula from Bulgaria?"_

"Transylvania."

_"Close enough."_

"....Vat kind uf job is this anyway?"

_"I need you to find Neville Longbottom, and bring him up to my office."_

"Vhy can't you do that?"

_"Because I am very busy. And I wanted to call someone on the walkie-talkies."_

*sigh* "Fine, I vill do it. Then can you leave me alone?"

_"No, you know the deal. I let you stay here and be an Assistant Professor, and in return, you help me with my... work."_

* * *

Neville always dreaded the first day of classes. He could never remember his way around and was always late, therefore, he usually ended up sitting by the least desirable students. Mostly the students that scared him.

If he had to share a table with Crabbe and Goyle one more time, Neville thought he would explode. And he didn't even want to _think_ about being within 20 feet of Millicant Bulstode ever again.

So, right after breakfast, the clumsy Gryffindor left for his first hour, eager to arrive early so he could sit next to someone nice. Preferably Hermione. He was less than pleased when Viktor Krum stopped him. And Neville was ever so confused when he found himself in the Headmasters office.

The morning bell rang.

"P-profesor," Neville stuttered to Dumbledore. "I have to g-get to my first class.."

The Headmaster gazed at him solemnly. "You're not ready for your classes yet."

The Longbottom nearly fainted. "Wh-what do you mean? Am i getting h-he-held back?" His eyes began to water.

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Why, of course not!"

Neville let out a loooooong sigh of relief.

"I am going to be very honest with you though, Mr. Longbottom. I have recieved information that you are, to put it kindly, not one of the more popular students?"

Neville nodded slowly.

The Headmaster smiled reassuringly. "WELL, it is your lucky day, because that is all about to change! I'd like to introduce you to my stylist, Mr. Baiter. Mr. Baiter, this is the student I was telling you about."

A very clean-cut well dressed man approached Neville and scrutinized him closely. "We really MUST do something with your hair! Look at how _flat_ it's laying! Don't you use any product??!"

Nevill shook his head, wide eyed.

Mr. Baiter pursed his lips together. "You have much to learn, young Padawan."

* * *

Hermione flew through her classes that day, eagerly listening to every word the Profesors spoke, soaking in information like a plant photosynesises sunlight.

She was most likely the only person who noticed the absence of a certain accident prone Gryffindor.

Hermione pondered his lack of attendence for about two seconds. She wondered if he was okay...

Then the nerd remembered this reallly good book about the life cycle of toads and forgot all about poor Neville. :(

* * *

"A-are you sure about this?" Neville asked reluctantly.

"Young Padawan, you must obey your master. Just go in the Great Hall allready, everything will be fine!" Mr. Baiter urged him.

Neville gulped.

He took one more moment to gather his nerve, then threw the doors to the Great hall open. Everyone was already sitting down, class had just ended and dinner was starting. The sound of the two giant doors swinging open, however, caused the whole population to turn in their seats and stare at the boy entering the hall.

**Girls** swooned over him.

Guys looked upon him as their idol.

Neville Longbottom was the essence of cool.

He walked to his seat, carefull to make sure his steps seemed un-rushed and laid back. In other words, cool.

Nevilles dark, silky hair billowed in the non exsistent breeze. It seemed to have grown several inches longer, and it now swept across his face and stuck out in fashionable ways.

His eyebrows no longer crowded his forehead. They were orderly, and trimmed. You could tell from a distance that his skin was smooth and clear of acne, a light tan, however, was present.

Nevilles aviator sunglasses were reflective, causing a general stir among the students. Nobody could tell who he was.

Pavarti and Lavender nearly fainted when he sat next to them at the Gryffindor table. Students turned back around in their seats and finally started eating, but, they did continue to converse about the "new kid" throughout their meal.

The Gryffindor girls drilled Neville with questions; what his name was, where he was from, what his favorite color was. He answered them all slowly and assuredly, in a voice slightly lower than usual. He was so convincing, that not one of them suspected that the cool new kid and dorky clumsy kid were one and the same.

**K thats it, sorry it took almost a week, i meant to have it out a few days earlier o.0 whoops. guess i just got busy.**

**Not a very funny chapter, really. I just had to get the first day of school out of the way before we could move on to the good stuff. haha. oooh i have such plans in store...**

**don't be to harsh on the reviews.**

**later.**

**Lyla93**


	4. Chapter 4

Guardian Angel

By Lyla93

**Chapter Four**

**QUICK REVEIW: draco and hermione are the head girl and head boy. viktor krum has been blackmailed into becoming one of Dumbledores undercover agents. neville is suddenly amazingly cool. harry and ron are meanwhile busy sorting out their feelings for one another... hahaha jk.**

**i did not create the world of Harry Potter. but i live in it. muahaha**

"This isn't working!" The headmaster exclaimed, frustratedly, as he paced his circular office. He had been monitoring the hidden cameras for the better part of the day, and was not satisfied with his work thus far.

"What did you expect to be happening? Minerva asked impatiently. "It's only the first week of classes, you have to give it time. Nothing amusing has happened yet, well, except for all the silly girls fawning over Neville Longbotom, and it may take a while for Ms. Granger and Mr. Malfoy to begin interacting in a way that satisfies you. You can't speed this kind of thing up."

Dumbledore folded his arms. "Ah ha! I know! They need more time together! Minerva, please rearrange all the seventh year classes so that Gryffindors and Slytherins have them together."

"I'm afraid that's quite impossible-"

"DO IT!"

Minerva sighed. "This isn't going to help matters, you know. Forcing them together will just make them hate eachother more."

"Ahhh, but isn't hate a very passionate emotion?"

* * *

"WHAT?" Harry Potter yelped as he read the announcement pinned up in Gryffindor Tower.

"What is it?" Ronald Weasley stood up and made his way over to the news board. He quickley read the notice over Harry's shoulder and shreiked in terror.

Hermione stood up from her comprouble arm chair by the fire, and went to see what the hooplah was about.

"OH. They're combining all our classes with Slytherins? That's an odd thing to do.."

"IT'S A TERRIBLE THING TO DO! Now we have to put up with Draco Malfoy _every single_ day in _every single_ class!"

Hermione stroked her chin as if she had a beard. "Well, you most likely won't see him in _every single_ class. I'm fairly certain you're taking a few different classes this year. You'll have to put up with Slytherins in every class anyway, but it won't always be Draco Malfoy."

* * *

Dumbledore looked up from the survelence cameras in alarm.

"Minerva, is it true?"

"Is _what_ true?" She replied impatiently.

"Draco and Hermione _won't_ be in all the same classes? That was the whole point of me doing this, you know! They have to be together, like, twenty-four seven! Out of sight, out of mind, dontcha know!"

Profesor Mcgonagal consulted her clipboard. "Hmmmm. Well it seems as if their scheduales are almost identicle-"

The Headmaster sighed in relief.

"-except for one thing. Hermione is in Muggle Studies, and Mr. Malfoy is in Divination."

"Oh. Well, this can be easily solved. Put Ms. Granger in Divination."

"I'm afraid Hermione doesn't qualify for the class. Trelawney requires and Exceeds Expectations from the O.W.L.s for her seventh year Dinination class."

"Oh. Then put Draco Malfoy in Muggle Studies."

"I want you to think very carefully about what you just said."

Dumbledore just looked confused.

McGonagal sighed. "The phrases 'Draco Malfoy' and 'Muggle' should never be put into the same sentance. At least, not unless the word 'kill' is in there too."

"Oh yeaaa, the Malfoys don't like Muggles do they?"

"Don't LIKE? I would say they despise Muggles."

"Whatever. Just put him in the class."

The Transfiguration Profesor shook her head. "I hope you know what you're getting into."

* * *

The next day, all seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins were out of control. Putting them together for the whole day was definetly a BAD idea.

But let's backtrack. Here's how the first class went:

"Okay, everybody, settle down, settle down!" The tiny Flitwick cried. Harry shoved his wand (which had been pointed at Malfoy) reluctantly back into his pocket.

Malfoy did the same after a brief hesitation. "We'll finish this later, Gryffindorks."

"Anytime, you, er, slytherin slimeface!"

"Seriously, 'slimeface'? What are you, four?"

"Shut up, it's just a lot harder coming up with names for Slytherins!"

"Sit down, please! Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy! Class needs to start!"

_"Psst! Come in, Agent Hobbit!"_

The students were taking their time finding seats, and not paying their professor any attention, so Flitwick turned to face the blackboard and whispered lowly into the walkie-talkie. "What is it, King Bee?"

_"Look in the upper right hand drawer of your desk. I left you a little surprise."_

Flitwick did so quickly. It seemed to be a drawing with sqares and students names covering it.

"What is this?" He asked.

_"It's a seating arrangement for your class!"_

Glancing at it, the Charms teacher shuddered. "They'll murder eachother!"

_"I doubt it, the killing curse is highly illegal. GTG now, good luck! King Bee OUT!"_

"WAIT! This will never work!" But, alas, Flitwick recieved no answer. He sighed, "Oh lordy lou!"

Firing his wand to gain the attention of the youths, Flitwick began pointing at various tables, calling out names.

"-Over here, let's have Parvarti Patil and Millicant Bulstrode. Here, Neville Longbottom and Gregory Goyle. Next, Harry Potter and Blaise Zabini and then here we have Theodore Nott and Ron Weasley. Then right here, Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger..."

The class was not too pleased, to say the least.

Gryffindors and Slytherins greeted their table mates with either a glaring silence or a serious threat. Hermione, however, tried to be mature about it.

"I guess we're partners, then, Malfoy." She said pleasently.

"Ew."

"What a coincidence. You know, us both being Heads."

"Don't remind me."

Hermione shut up after that.

NEXT CLASS

"-and at this table, Mr. Weasly, Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Zabini, and Ms. Granger, please."

Unlike Charms class, the students rushed to obey their profesor. You don't mess with Mcgonagal. They disliked eachother more quietly in this classroom.

NEXT CLASS

"Okay, i'll now put everyone in groups of two so they can practice this spell! Hermione and Draco, Neville and Vincent-"

Everyone groaned, having figured out the pattern. Slytherins were being paired with Gryffindors in every class. It was no coincidence, that much was sure. But, why? Were the profesors conspiring against them? No, no... that's a silly idea...

* * *

By the end of the day, the seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins were wiped out. It really hurts your face muscles to glare for long periods of time. Goyles face actually became frozen in a pernament scowl, and he had to go see Madame Pomfrey.

That evening, Harry Potter put up a flier in the common room for Quidditch trials to be held on saturday at 9 in the morning.

Draco Malfoy did the same.

You would think they might have coordinated, but, since they never spoke except for insults, both captains had no idea.

* * *

The next morning, Draco was pulled aside before breakfast by his head of house, Profesor Snape.

"Draco, there's been a slight change in your scheduale. Due to the enormous size of you Divination Class, a few students were randomly selected to be transfered out of it."

"Great! That Trelawnys a psycho!"

"You've been placed in Muggle Studies."

Draco frowned. "Muggle Studies? What, do they bring in one for us to dissect?"

"Erm, no. You learn about their customs and stuff."

"Oh. Ew. No. I already have to hang with the mudblood all day, why would i want to sit and chat about filthy muggles?"

"It won't be that bad." Snape smiled in a pained kind of way. "It may be... interesting."

"Hmmmm... do ya think i'll be able to figure out an excellent contagious disease that will wipe the Muggles off the face of the earth!"

"Err... maybe?"

"Ok then, i'll take the class."

Severus Snape sighed in relief and went upstairs to report a succesfull mission to Dumbledore.

* * *

"Severus, what derogaroty word starts with an 'R'?" Dumbledore asked as the potions master entered his office.

"Rat?"

"Hmmm... how 'bout an 'A'?"

"Ass?"

"I don't know if either of those really have the right pizaz!"

"What are you up to, Headmaster?"

"Which do you like better, Slytherat or Slytherass?"

"WHAT?"

"Well, there's always been the classic 'Gryffindork', but no one has been able to come up with a suitable retaliation!"

"Sometimes I wonder about you..." Severus murmered to himself.

Dumbledore looked up from his desk. "Did you say something?"

**OOOOOOooooOOOo**

**Lyla93**


	5. Chapter 5

Guardian Angel

By Lyla93

**Chapter Five**

_Muggle Studies Class_

"Okay, everyone, today we're going to be learning about technology. Let's all say it together, tech-nol-o-gy." The female teacher was a small women with overly large glasses. She addressed them as if they were a class of six year olds.

"I've finally gotten the Headmaster to let me bring some muggle equipment up here." She explained. "The only difference is, instead of using electricity, these computers run by magic."

The professor received blank stares from most of the students.

"Electricity is what muggles use to make things work."

More blank stares.

"And, computers are these devices that allow muggles to communicate and talk and share information with anybody in the world."

More blank stares, plus a few confused looks.

"Okay, let's start with something a little more basic, perhaps the anatomy of a computer.

I've got a mouse  
I play with every day  
He runs across the mat  
And his tail is long and grey  
He doesn't like cheese  
He likes playing games  
He's not afraid of cats  
He hasn't got a name

He's my computer mouse  
He's my double click, single click  
Run around the mat computer mouse  
Left click, right click, double click. OK!"*

Draco couldn't help it. He erupted into a very unSlytherin-like fit of giggles.

The professor gave him a hard look. "Mr. Malfoy, is it?"

He nodded.

"I thought so. See here, Mr. Malfoy, i will not be disrespected in my class. So since you seem so eager to disrupt my informative song, I would like you to come up here and repeat it so everybody can hear."

That was when Draco Malfoy decided beyond doubt that he hated Muggle Studies. Whoever responsible for forcing him into this class was going down. And I don't mean going down a slide. Going down, as in_ down._

* * *

_After Classes_

"Granger, I killed you cat."

Draco Malfoy made a face at himself in the bathroom mirror.

"No, that's not right."

His face became solemn again. "Granger, your cat is no longer with us. No longer in the living world. He's up in kitty heaven, now."

That didn't sound to great, either. No matter how he put it, Draco knew the Gryffindor would freak.

"Look, Granger, your fucking cat got into my Potions bag and drank the Acromantula Venom."

"What?" Someone said in a quavery voice. Draco spun around to find the one person whose appearance he was dreading. Hermione Granger.

"Erm.."

"Crookshanks? H-h-he's dead?"

Her eyes filled with tears.

Draco squirmed. He hated in when girls cried. "Well, 'dead' is a pretty harsh word.."

"So he's alive?" She brightened a little, hopeful.

"Err, no."

Hermione bit her lip and sat down on the bathroom floor. She then began sobbing uncontrollably.

Draco tentatively knelt down beside her. "Come on, Granger, toughen up. It was just a _cat_."

This didn't help matters, Draco observed. She only shuddered and began crying harder.

He tried a different tactic. "Look, I'll buy you a new one."

Hermione finally looked up at him. "Go away, Malfoy. You don't understand_ anything_."

Draco was surprised, but was only to happy to obey, her for once. He was out of depth with the whole broken hearted Gryffindor girl thing.

Unfortunately, he wasn't out of the hornets nest yet. A few minutes later there was a firm knock on his door. He slowly opened it, praying it wasn't Granger.

A girl with a mass of red hair was standing there, with angry eyes that bored into him. It wasn't Granger, for sure. It was worse.

Ginny Weasley put her hands on her hips. "My friend is on the floor of her room,_ sobbing_. Any idea why?"

Draco crossed his arms. "Why is it that you immediately suspect me? That's not fair, you know."

"Are you saying it wasn't you?" She asked skeptically.

"Well, it wasn't really my fault. That cat got into my potions bag and, erm, poisoned itself."

"_You killed Crookshanks_?!" Ginny exclaimed.

"SSHHH!" Draco commanded, but it was to late, the wailing coming from the other room grew louder. "Now see what you did? She was starting to calm down, finally, before you came along!"

Ginny gave him a weird look. "Why do you care?"

He raised an eyebrow at her accusing tone. "Mostly because if she doesn't shut up, I'm not going to get any beauty sleep tonight." He paused. "And perhaps I do feel a little bad. I don't purposefully kill peoples cats, you know. Well, most of the time, at least. "

"Did you apologize, at least?"

Draco thought back to the earlier conversation. "Uh no, I don't think so."

"What did you say then?"

He told her.

"TOUGHEN UP?" Ginny exploded. "You just don't _say_ that! What were you thinking??"

Draco squirmed again, slightly guilty.

"If one of your friends died, and Hermione said 'Toughen up, it was only your best friend' how would you feel?"

He scoffed. "It was a cat! A cat! Not a real person! You both seem to be forgetting that!"

"Well, what if your dad died then, Malfoy?" Ginny snarled cruelly. "He's not a real person, you know. He's a monster."

"Fuck off, Weasley." He slammed the door in her face.

* * *

Draco Malfoy barely survived his first week back at school.

It seemed as if every single Gryffindor had heard about the cat incident, and they were determined to never _ever_ let him forget it. No matter how many times he claimed it wasn't his fault, that all he had done was leave his potions bag on the floor, nobody believed Draco.

Hermione, of course, was still devastated. She had held a private funeral for her beloved cat, and buried him with a grave marker that made him barf.

R.I.P.

Crookshanks

A furry feline friend through thick and thin. 

**Author's Note: SAY THAT FIVE TIMES FAST. **Draco, of course, was also devastated. Mostly because the nerdy witch cried for four hours STRAIGHT in the bathroom Saturday morning, when he_ really_ had to pee.

Bladder threatening to overwhelm him, the Malfoy hastily pulled on his shoes and made his way out onto the castle grounds into Hogsmeade. It didn't take him long to find the smelly pet shop, and Draco had to hold his nose at the dreadful odor as he entered.

An old woman smiled at him from behind the desk. "How can I help you, sir?"

"Where are the- ACHOOO- cats?"

"Right back this way, sir, we actually have several new kittens, as well, if you're interested."

"Sure, sure, whatever."

They reached the back corner of the shop, and Draco found himself surrounded by the ugly, fleabitten creatures that humans on this planet earth called CATS.

_I can't believe they, like, worship these things in Egypt.. _He thought,_ But, then again,_ _these are the same people who built giant TRIANGLES._

"Any particular breed you're interested in?" The witch asked politely.

"Do you have any with no fur?" He replied dejectedly, holding his hanky over his mouth and nose. Blast his stinking allergies.

The woman raised her eyebrows. "Yes, actually, over here we have some Sphynx's."

"WHERE!" Draco yelled, pulling out his wand at lightning speed. The giant lion-human-things-with-wings had haunted his nightmares as a child.

She sighed patiently. "Not a Sphinx, a Sphynx! It's a breed of hairless cats."

"OH,"

In the cage she was gesturing toward, Draco found several small, delightfully hair-free, cats.

"What did you say these were called?"

"Sphynx."

"WHERE!"

"No, they're CALLED Sphynx cats. Relax. Muggles named them after what they believed was an fantasy creature from Egypt."

_DAMN THOSE EGYPTIANS._

* * *

Hermione Granger was laying on her bed, reading. Surprise, surprise. However, her mind wasn't very focused on the wizarding culture in China. She was actually thinking about her fellow Head, something she tried to avoid. She had been upset with him about Crookshanks, and since then he had been hiding in his room whenever possible. She felt a twinge of guilt. It hadn't really been his fault, after all. And he had tried to comfort her, in his own clueless way. Perhaps she hadn't been exactly fair to him.

_knock, knock_

Hermione looked up, startled. The knock came from her bathroom door, which meant it could only be one person.

"Yeah, Malfoy? What is it?" She flinched at how sharp the words had come out.

She waited for him to either barge in or call out a rude answer. But there was silence on the other side of the door. Hermione got off her bed, stretched, and walked over to open the door.

"Mreow?"

Sitting on a pillow in a wicker basket was one of the strangest looking kittens Hermione had ever seen. It's wrinkled skin was grey and pink, with only a slight peach fuz covering it. It had over-sized eyes that peered up at her in an intelligent manner.

"Malfoy?" She began, finally glancing up from the cat. He was no where in sight. Scooping up the basket, the witch brought her new familiar into her room.

* * *

Draco Malfoy was feeling slightly disgusted with himself. Why, oh why, had he gone to get that mudblood another stinking cat? He hated cats. Well, at least this one was hairless, so he wouldn't be plagued with the usual runny nose, itchy eyes, and constant sneezing and wheezing.

The stupid female Weasley had practically forced him to do it. Yes, yes that was it. Her evil ghetto magic had made him actually feel guilty. Plus the whole Gryffindor house had been out to get him (more than usual) and even the amazing Draco Malfoy had finally cracked. He hadn't been able to use his afternoon facial mask all that week, even. OH CRAP.

Draco ran to his dresser and peered at his face closely in the mirror. Thankfully, his skin still shone beautifully. He sighed in relief. How could he have forgotten about his daily face moisturizing? Then he realized that it had also been a full week since he'd checked himself out in the mirror. Ah, _that_ was why his heart had been aching! He leaned closer, touching the reflective glass with his fingertips."I missed you. Damn, you're gorgeous!"

* * *

Dumbledore sat at his desk, staring at the screen and watching Draco Malfoy talk to his reflection in a mirror. What an unusual child.

He sighed. The death of Crookshanks was amusing, but things were getting boring once more. Oh, how he loathed it when his school was boring.

Something just had to be done. Soon.

"Agent Whiskers, come in, come it. I have something urgent to tell you."

No reply.

"Agent Whiskers, this is King Bee, DO YOU READ ME??"

No reply.

"Agent PMS sound the alarm! McGonagals been kidnapped by Voldemort!"

_"We don't have an alarm, Headmaster."_

"Seriously? But what if something terrible happens like what's happening right now?"

_"FINE. I'm here. What is it this time?"_

The Headmaster sighed in relief, hearing the Transfiguration professor on the walkie-talkie.

"Ummm. I'm bored."

_"You've got to be kidding me. Did you know I was sleeping?"_

_"As was I. Isn't my life already depressing enough without having to put up with lack of sleep?"_

"Oh. Well, erm, sorry 'bout that... This is a serious issue, though. I think it may be time to put Plan Alpha Strawberry Duo into action."

_"NOOO!"_ Screamed Minerva.

_"Anything but that!"_ Severus pleaded.

"But that's the best idea I've got!"

_"How about we save it for some other time? I mean, have things really gotten that bad?"_

"Oh, fine. Plan Alpha Strawberry Duo can wait for another rainy day... but what can we do instead?"

_"I would suggest a field trip. It's something different, but still simple, so it won't get out of hand."  
_

_"How about I force feed them a shrinking solution so that they become mouse sized and I can squash that Potter with the heel of my boot."_

"Both good ideas, but I'm leaning more towards Severus's..."_  
_

_"Headmaster, you can't harm the students!"_ Mcgonagal sounded outraged.

"Every party has a pooper that's why we invited you, party pooper!" Dumbledore sang cheerily.

_"....."_

"FINE. We'll do a field trip. Who wants to chaperoned?? Oh Severus! Thanks for volunteering!"

_"There is absolutely no way-"_

"If you don't i'll tell everyone who you have a crush on."

_"*gasp* how can you possibly know that?"_

"Umm, have you completely missed the first four chapters? This school is rigged with cameras."

* * *

**WHERE will they go on a field trip to?? WHAT is plan alpha strawberry duo?? WHO does snape secretly like? WHEN am i gonna figure out a plot for this story??**

**hahahaha**

**_*Song and lyrics by Andy Henley/Tym King_**

**_peace out girl scouts_**

**_Lyla93  
_**


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